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NVC Resources on Exercises and Practices

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Mediating Conflicts

Trainer Tip "Is it not by love alone that we succeed in penetrating the very essence of a being?" —Igor Stravinsky When mediating conflicts using Nonviolent Communication, I focus on establishing a quality of connection that involves trust and a sincere desire to resolve the situation peacefully. This involves listening for the needs that each person is trying to meet. I reflect back to them...
Mediating with a Group

Trainer Tip "I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving." —Goethe When you mediate a group conflict, the principles of listening for needs are the same as with one-on-one conflicts. Start the mediation by telling everyone that the group will not begin looking at strategies until everyone’s needs have been heard. Dedicate the first...
It’s All About Please and Thank You

Trainer Tip "We want facts to fit the preconceptions. When they don’t, it is easier to ignore the facts than to change the preconceptions" —Jessamyn West If I told you that every communication is either a please or a thank you, would you believe me? This was an enormous revelation to me. Think about the please behind a neighbor’s words when he says, “What will it take for you to keep your...
Honesty as a Means to Connect

Trainer Tip "My whole goal is to keep my spirit intact. If that doesn’t happen, none of this is worth it" —Jewel Kilcher Not long ago, I was sitting in church listening to the choir. One of the gentlemen in the choir stepped up to the mike to sing a brief solo. He sang off key sometimes and his voice shook. I thought he was very nervous. I wondered, should I tell him that he sang off key? It...
Observing without Judgment

Trainer Tip "Keep your eye on the sunshine and you will not see the shadows." —Helen Keller You’re in a store and you see someone you haven’t seen in a while. She walks past you without saying anything. You think, “What a snob” or “She doesn’t like me.” Later you find out that she didn’t recognize you, or that she was in a hurry to get her mother’s medication at the pharmacy. On another day,...
Doing Something Different

Trainer Tip "Live each day as if your life had just begun." —Goethe This is it. Today is the day to be open to others. Maybe it’s scary to be vulnerable, but what is the alternative? Keep doing the same things and you will have the same results. Make a change right now. Do something different. What is your greatest need at this moment? Is it love, support, compassion, financial security, hope,...
Perceiving Reality

Trainer Tip "The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." —Thomas Merton Often, when we start a new relationship, we twist reality to suit our needs. We like most of the qualities of our new girlfriend, so we pretend that her incessant swearing and burping...
Acknowledging Our Inner Critic

Trainer Tip "The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still small voice within me." —Mahatma Gandhi In Compassionate Communication, some of us call the critical voice inside our heads our jackal. The jackal says you should or shouldn’t do something; it judges you and other people; and it is the most likely to get scared when you begin to make a change. I used to be embarrassed by my jackal...
Meeting Our Need for Sexual Expression

Trainer Tip "The difference between a dream and a goal is a timeline." —Dr. Phil McGraw Have you ever tried to tell your partner that your sexual needs were not met? Such a conversation is bound to promote defensiveness and hurt feelings, unless you keep the conversation focused on your needs, not her lack of skill, and you make a very specific request. Telling someone that you do not enjoy...
Choosing Whom We Empathize With

Trainer Tip "The pain is the aversion. The healing magic is attention. Properly attended to, pain can answer our most crucial questions, even those we did not consciously frame." —Marilyn Ferguson I have learned that empathizing with some people does not meet my own needs for connection, rest, or joy. This may be because my own needs are so great or because I have other, more pressing needs...