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From Obligation To Giving from the Heart

You value generosity and you often give easily from the heart. There are those times, however, when you get snagged by a sense of obligation. You feel tense and resentful. You don't want to continue with this attitude, but how can you reconnect with the desire to give from the heart? Let’s touch on three essential elements that support giving from the heart: choice, mourning, and acceptance....
How To Ask For Honesty

Inviting someone to be honest about their feelings can be difficult. It's important to remember that the lack of authenticity is often due to lack of awareness, inner conflict, or fear of conflict, rather than dishonesty. Offer empathy and reassurance and invite more conversation. Approach with compassion and curiosity to naturally invite more honesty. Read this practice exercise Keywords:...
See Old Relationship Dynamics In Intimate Relationships

Learn how unconscious impulses can lead to life-depleting patterns. Here, we look at two forms of reactive attempts we may use to avoid future pain, and how to make conscious decisions instead. Read on for questions that can help us see if we're making decisions from a grounded place, such as taking time to reflect on values, receive support from others, and getting curious about others' views....
Loving Someone For Who They Are And Still Making Requests

If someone asks you to love them as is, try wondering what contributes to their need for acceptance. Loving someone and empathizing with them, doesn't mean you can't make requests for change. Recall that your requests are about your needs, not about them. Understand that requests may not be met due to lack of resources or skills, even if the desire is there. Clarify how important the request is...
Shifting The "Power Over" Pattern At Home

You may want to shift power dynamics, intimate and family relationships -- especially if there's longstanding, unprocessed hurts. Reflect on where, when and with whom you tend to enter reactive “power over” patterns. Explore the feelings and needs that are up for you in those contexts. Imagine other ways that could meet your needs in or before those moments. In this way, in similar situations...
Tools for Mindfulness of Impact in Dialogue

If you want a better connection it's crucial to be mindful about how your communication affects your partner. This means noticing and keeping eye contact, observing body language, and checking for their reactions. You can also share in small increments, check in before sharing vulnerable thoughts, and express what you notice. Give yourself empathy when you notice that you want to be right more...
Empathy Hacking

Making Empathy Guessing Easy, via Semantics Empathy guessing when I was new to NVC seemed magical and mysterious. How could that other person have known that about me? And seen inside me — often in ways I'd missed myself. While empathy is both intuitive and an art, there is also a science to it. In this brief yet fascinating introduction to Dian's course, Empathy Hacking, you'll learn a...
Distinguishing Universal Needs from Strategies

In this excerpt from their book, CHOICE: A field guide for navigating the polarization of our world and living interdependently, Kathleen and Jared offer a path to reach deeper clarity, distinguishing between universal needs and strategies. Universal Needs Essential life qualities Needs are the essence of life, the miraculous qualities that spark my thoughts, speech, and all my actions. This...
The Murky Waters of Asymmetric Relationships

Lately there has been, in our global trainers’ community, a conversation about how to deal with instances of trainers having sex with participants, at the trainings or immediately after. And many questions started to be presented into the field, some of them made me shook my head in puzzlement. One of the most typical questions I hear is: “Why singling out sex as something dirty, wrong, almost...
Staying Connected with Yourself While with Family

This audio training with expert trainer Rita Herzog explores the NVC alternative to family relationships: stay grounded in your own needs and values so you are able to reach out with empathy to family members. Sound easy? Listen to what Rita has to say about her own pattern in her family and see if you can relate. Rita says, “As a child, I did not hear my family talk about feelings, so I was...