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NVC Resources on Feelings

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Why Don’t They Get It?

Does this seem familiar? You're in a meeting. Maybe it's a workshop around equity and social justice issues, maybe it's your community group holding a planning meeting for their next event. Pat makes a suggestion, and folks keep talking, ignoring the suggestion, proposing others. When Riley makes a similar suggestion, suddenly everyone is excitedly discussing the idea and expressing gratitude...
Making Sure We Are Heard

Trainer Tip Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding. —Diane Arbus Isn’t it amazing how people can witness the same thing, but interpret it differently? I used to marvel at this, get into arguments about how others didn’t hear things correctly, or feel angry because I thought they weren’t being honest. Now, I accept the fact that we all hear things...
Punitive Use of Force

Trainer Tip "Think for yourself and let others enjoy the right to do the same" —Voltaire Punitive use of force takes place when we punish people because we deem their behavior to be bad or wrong and the only way to change their behavior is to make them ashamed about doing it or feel afraid of doing it again. This consciousness arises from the belief that people do things that are dangerous to...
Receiving Appreciation With Grace

Trainer Tip "Never bend your head, always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face" —Helen Keller Many of us struggle with receiving appreciation. We either belittle our accomplishment by saying things such as “Oh, it wasn’t that big of a deal,” or we let our ego expand by thinking that we are better than other people. Sometimes we show this by saying something like, “Yeah, these...
Needs-Based Negotiation

Trainer Tip Thinking based on “who deserves what” blocks compassionate communication. —Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. When I worked in the university system, I spent a great deal of time and energy negotiating for salary increases and position upgrades. My arguments usually focused on how I compared to other people in the industry, my years of experience, and what I thought was fair. I believed...
Authenticity

Trainer Tip The first point of courtesy must always be truth. —Ralph Waldo Emerson Is it sometimes hard for you to be honest about who you are? Do you ever censor yourself to meet your needs for acceptance or community? It can be challenging to be the only one on the bus who wants to go to the mountains, when everyone else wants to go to the beach, isn't it! The truth is, if you say that you...
Aligning Our Strategies with Our Values

Trainer Tip Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend’s forehead. —Chinese proverb What do you value most? Do your actions match your values? I used to think that I valued integrity more than anything, yet I went to work every day for five years at a job I hated. I thought that I valued friendships but it just didn’t seem convenient to be present when friends were in dire straits....
Specificity Is the Key

Trainer Tip No legacy is so rich as honesty. —William Shakespeare Do you sometimes feel frustrated about situations in your life, while being too embarrassed to make a specific request, or perhaps annoyed because you’d really like the other person to “just get it”? I recognize this dynamic when I hear someone say to her partner, “I want you to help out more around the house.” Often when someone...
Using Anger to Serve Life

Trainer Tip All rising to a great place is by a winding stair. —Francis Bacon Sometimes we need to empathize with a person before he can hear our anger. Consider that all anger is an expression of an unmet need. If we focus on the need, rather than the actions, we are more likely to connect compassionately with other people. For instance, if your son shaves your cat, what do you suppose his...
Love Trumps Everything

Trainer Tip "Look forward to the power of love replacing the love of power. Then we will know peace." —William Gladstone You’d really like the dishes to be done right after dinner, so you try to force your teenage son to do them each night. Or, maybe you’d like your employees to arrive at work promptly at eight in the morning, so you create punishments if they don’t comply. You think you have...