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Differentiating Needs from Strategies

Trainer Tip "Life is short, but there is always time enough for courtesy" ——Ralph Waldo Emerson Sometimes it is hard to remember that needs are universal and strategies are specific. Strategies are the methods we use to get our needs met. When we focus on needs, our world can feel abundant with possibility. When we focus on a particular strategy, our world can feel scarce. Conflicts arise when...
Hearing The Yes Behind The No

Trainer Tip "Why do you walk through the field in gloves When the grass is soft as the breasts of doves And shivering sweet to the touch?" —Frances Comford It is often easy for us to hear rejection when someone says “no” to us. If we focus on the rejection, we may feel hurt and fail to take the time to understand what is going on with them. However, if we focus on their feelings and needs, we...
Overcoming Insecurity in Friendships

Trainer Tip "Tell me who admires you and loves you, and I will tell you who you are." —Charles Augustin Sainte-Beauve Do you ever wonder why a person you enjoy spending time with is attracted to you? Do you wonder if he really likes you? Many of us don’t know the impact we have on other people. Sometimes, with close friends and family, it is clear to us why people value having us in their...
Acknowledging Other People’s Reality

Trainer Tip "Love is the recognition of Oneness, of knowing yourself as other. The Oneness is love." —Eckhart Tolle Can you hold onto your reality while simultaneously acknowledging someone else’s reality? What I mean is, can you have an argument with your partner and speak up for your view of things, while also acknowledging his view? This ability is the ultimate goal. It eliminates right and...
Keeping Ourselves Open

Trainer Tip Friend, there’s a window that opens from heart to heart And there are ways of closing it . . . —Rumi One of the swiftest ways to close the heart is critical or judgmental thinking. How open are you when you are judging another person? The goal in peaceful living is to approach our relationships with an open heart. Years ago, I asked another trainer of Nonviolent Communication to...
Enjoying The Process

Trainer Tip I have come to the conclusion, after many years of sometimes-sad experience, that you cannot come to any conclusion at all. —Vita Sackville-West In Compassionate Communication we strive to stop judging situations and people. Instead, we look at how we feel and whether our needs are met For example, if our partnership does not meet our need for intimacy, we talk with our partner...
Control

I believe we’re seeing in the world the inevitable effects of the temptation for us humans to use our intelligence to control – Nature, people, groups, nations, ourselves — and control so easily slides into domination, oppression, and exploitation. It’s inevitable what happens in the paradigm of separation and materialism in which we live. Control makes us feel safe in an uncertain,...
10 Healthy Ways To Deal With Anger

There appears to be a lot of confusion about anger. Many people believe it is bad to get angry and/or that anger is something to be avoided at all costs. Anger has been viewed by many as a negative. This may be because we confuse unhealthy behavior (the result of what happens when anger is not dealt with in a healthy way) with the emotion. Anger is an emotion and it can be thought of as an...
Parenting for Connection

When I was a boy I received a King Kong action figure for my birthday. At that time I really liked King Kong and this gift was very special. While playing with my toy I soon found out that my little brother (around 3 years old) was afraid of my King Kong doll. So like a good big brother I ran around the house scaring him by showing him the doll and by roaring like King Kong. My brother, of...
How Anger Can Help or Hinder

We can use anger as an important signal to let us know that we perceive a threat to a universal need or value, directing our attention to something so that we can take effective action, and avoid harmful thought patterns. For example, instead of dwelling on a "should," focus on addressing unmet needs through boundaries and effective communication. Anger is an important signaling system letting...