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Tips for the Road Series Tip 13

on our own. Whether you ask friends, family, therapists, a community or other sources, keep asking for and opening up to as much support as you need or can currently accept. Make requests, not demands. Providing support in response to a demand takes all the joy out of giving. No. 5. Be Playful and Creative Healing and growth work (and life in general) will almost certainly drain you if you don’t...
Needs-Based Negotiation

budget, balance the needs of many people, and motivate members of a team to succeed in their jobs. It also didn’t occur to me to speak openly about my needs in the situation, without placing demands and ultimatums on my bosses. Repeatedly I put both of us in a position where we could lose—if they didn’t do what I wanted, I would feel angry and hurt. If they did comply with my demand, they had...
Confidentiality Agreement

Ask the Trainer Dear Trainer, In the second meeting of our beginner’s NVC practice group, one of the participants asked us (the two facilitators) if there was any kind of confidentiality agreement that was typically used in NVC practice groups. That question stimulated a number of other participants to feel concerned about confidentiality. One person suggested that we have an agreement to use...
Being Persistent About Getting Our Needs Met

Trainer Tip By perseverance the snail reached the ark. —Charles Haddon Spurgeon Do you ever find yourself in an argument that doesn’t seem to have a solution? Consider this couple’s situation. The husband picks up after himself and he likes a neat home; the wife tends to put things down and leave them there. Their arguments usually involve the husband accusing the wife of being lazy and...
Being Honest About Our Anger

Trainer Tip Few blame themselves until they have exhausted all other possibilities. —Anonymous When I am angry, it is likely that I am not getting something that I want and that I think I should get, and I am about to say something that will ensure I won’t get it. When we blame other people, we place ourselves in a dangerous position of not meeting our needs in that relationship. Instead, take...
Neither Rioting Nor Colluding

Young people in Baltimore and elsewhere are continuing to be killed for unfathomable reasons. Hurting people on all sides are roaring out in pain, demanding to be heard, and delivering hostile condemnation of each other’s actions. How do we talk about this? How to we say why the violence isn’t working for us without giving the impression that we’re condoning injustice? And how do we keep the...
The Jackal as a Teacher

Trainer Tip Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend. —Martin Luther King, Jr. In Compassionate Communication, we use the jackal as our metaphor for that part of us that is critical, judgmental, or self-righteous. We chose the jackal image because they walk low to the ground, tend to be more interested in satisfying themselves in the moment, and are less likely to...
Our Afghan Story Revisited

Close to 20 years ago I went to Pakistan with my close colleague Ike Lasater to work with Afghan tribal elders in a refugee camp along the border. It was January 2002, soon after the 9/11 terrorist attacks in the U.S. and our bombings and invasion of Afghanistan. It was a particularly dangerous time for Americans to go to that part of the world, yet for reasons I can only understand in...
Repair: Responding To A Lack Of Empathy

When someone stimulates your pain, you may want them to express care and empathy for your experience. If they're unwilling, you may resent it. You may forget the power of many strategies to meet a need, and you lose your agency. This can lead to reactive habits in you -- such as pleading, demanding, or attacking. Here are reasons you may not be getting an apology or empathy, and what options...
Parenting with Purpose

Roxy Manning discusses the connection between the challenges parents face with their children and the qualities they want them to develop. She highlights the importance of aligning actions with desired outcomes, using the example that if parents value independence, they should encourage choice rather than demanding compliance. She encourages parents to consider the long-term impact of their...