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NVC Resources on Responsibility

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#MeToo And Liberation For All

Most people want to punish perpetrators of sexual violence. Unfortunately, punishment doesn’t lead to lasting widespread change. Rather, we can identify root causes and conditions that sustain violence. That means shifting from individual to systemic lenses, and from punitive to restorative responses. It means collective learning about how such acts are nurtured and persist. This can reduce the...
Transforming Anger

Anger is one of the feelings that tell us we are thinking in a way in which we are disconnected from our needs; and from the Source of life within us; and in a way that is almost guaranteed to not create the connection and cooperation to meet our needs. It also seems to be a reaction tied strongly into the fight-flight survival response at the core of our biology as living organisms. For this...
Finding Ways to Meet Our Needs

Trainer Tip Destruction is the first step in conscious change. The old dies so that the new might be born. —Gloria Karpinski Many people pressure their friends and partners to meet all of their needs. But it is important to remember that there are countless ways to meet any need. When we limit the options available to us, we limit our opportunities. Often, when we are angry with another person,...
Tips for the Road Series Tip 24

How do you know when you’re projecting disowned parts or replaying old relationship dynamics? It’s hard to know for sure, but if you find yourself upset or shutting down and unable to have a dialogue in which you can speak clearly about your feelings and needs and empathize with the other’s feelings and needs, there is likely a projection. The stronger your reaction, the more likely you are...
NVC Conversations About Privilege and Power-Over

Last year, Mary Mackenzie of the NVC Academy organized an online symposium Removing Our Blinders: Seeing the Impact of Power and Privilege that I consider courageous and visionary. The symposium offered an opportunity for those of European background, men, women, and people of color to share their experiences and for others to empathically listen. The calls struck me as poignant, empathic,...
Receiving Appreciation With Grace

Trainer Tip "Never bend your head, always hold it high. Look the world straight in the face" —Helen Keller Many of us struggle with receiving appreciation. We either belittle our accomplishment by saying things such as “Oh, it wasn’t that big of a deal,” or we let our ego expand by thinking that we are better than other people. Sometimes we show this by saying something like, “Yeah, these...
Demands vs Requests

Trainer Tip "Life is short, but there is always time enough for courtesy" ——Ralph Waldo Emerson When you demand that someone do something, their only choice is to succumb or rebel; they either do what you asked or they don’t. Sometimes, a demand can look like a request. You say, “Honey, will you please mow the lawn today?” It sounds like a request, but notice what happens if your partner says,...
Nonviolence In The Face of Rape or Assault

This is an excerpt from "Accountability, Love, Shame, and Working for Transformation: Acceptance Does Not Mean Inaction": Walter Wink, in The Powers That Be, recounts the story of a woman who wakes up in the middle of the night with a man in her room, clearly about to assault her. As someone trained in nonviolence, the woman was able to follow her own thoughts and landed on the realization that...
Four Ways to Hear Any Message

Trainer Tip "Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love" —Don Miguel Ruiz How do you hear other people? In Nonviolent Communication, we see four possible ways to hear any message: 1. Judging or blaming others: You never think about my needs, or You’re always late. 2. Judging or blaming ourselves: I...
Don't Assume You Know What Other People Need

Trainer Tip We must be aware of the real problems of the world. Then, with mindfulness, we will know what to do and what not to do to be of help. —Thich Nhat Hanh We must listen deeply to people in an effort to understand what they need. Don’t assume you know what another person’s problem is or what they need. Learn by listening deeply. Have you ever listened to someone and noticed yourself...