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NVC Resources on Shame

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Parenting With A Focus On The Long-Term Goal

a parent wants her children to be self-motivated, but she limits their opportunity for this when she forces them to do things they don’t want to do. When children are motivated by guilt, fear, or shame, they begin to lose touch with themselves because they focus on your reactions, not on their needs. When this happens, they create a paradigm that it is OK to do certain things as long as they...
The Murky Waters of Asymmetric Relationships

comes for support to a retreat, training, therapy and keeps revealing themselves, digging up painful and vulnerable content, exposing it again and again, continuously re-experiencing the pain and shame and fears that caused these wounds to be suppressed so deeply. And on the other hand we have a trainer, coach, therapist, who is always warm, welcoming, asking powerful questions, giving guidance...
Observation, Feelings, Needs, and Requests (OFNR) Communication Components

to say “no.” It is wanting the response to come from true willingness, from the heart and the desire to contribute, from compassionate giving and receiving, rather than fear of punishment, guilt, shame, obligation, reward, etc. Keywords: OFNR nonviolent communication observation feeling need request faux feeling judgement evaluation demand distinctions John Kinyon
Parenting for Connection

some parents have received is that they need to use their power (size, strength, ability to intimidate, etc.) to control their children. Yet, this strategy brings resentment, guilt, fear and shame into children’s lives. Unfortunately, most children who do obey do it out of that energy. When children respond to us out of fear or guilt we will always pay for it later on. Most parents do not want...
Empowering Kids Under Current Systems of Domination

and oppressor dynamic that exists. This construct is not designed to support our human needs. The reward and punishment system that prevails within society results in a sense of obligation, shame, and guilt. Keywords: Aya Caspi NVC authority being heard children communication collaboration conflict resolution dominant culture empathy energy of the need needs family parenting trauma Live Course...
What is the Shadow?

What parts do others have difficulty embracing, acknowledging or noticing? Why do we sometimes misunderstand our own and others' motives? Why do we condemn, loathe, hate, deny, judge or feel shame around parts of self and other? This article talks about the hidden parts of ourselves that shapes our views and behaviours. Read this article Keywords: blocks to connection unconscious trigger...
The Power of Authenticity + Care

When we're on the receiving end of pain-stimulating assumptions, a microaggression, or prejudice --when we're reactive and resultingly have self-doubt, guilt or shame in ourselves-- is it possible to be intensely authentic while holding care for everyone in the situation? Can we effectively do this even as a third party witnesses to these things? Self-empathy, empathy, and a commitment to...
Dissolving Reactivity With Your Partner

Most reactivity in intimate relationships comes from a lack of confidence in maintaining intimacy, autonomy, or security. What may help is naming what's happening, interrupting shame, and anchoring or reassuring yourself. You can also reflect on the effects of acting from reactivity. Knowing what helps center you, ask your partner to do or say specific things that might help. Read on for more....
Healing Addiction With Unconscious Contract Work

sugars, salts, cigarettes, coffee, alcohol, etc.) or a compulsion (eg. gambling, shopping, working, sex or love addictions) is often an unconscious attempt to soothe trauma - fear, loneliness and shame that's frozen in unconscious memory. The addiction or compulsion is a substitute for what we really need. It is an endless craving that's never enough. Read on for more. Read this article...
Moving Towards Life-Serving Responsibility in NVC

stage" we care for our needs in a way that doesn't respect others' needs. In the "emotional liberation" stage we fully care for others' needs as much as our own—while being free of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation. Often NVC training teaches us how to achieve the latter stage without the former. For greater compassion we can be more rigorous in how we talk about “responsibility", impacts and...