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NVC Resources on Values

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I Want To Connect More Than I Want To Be Right

Trainer Tip There is a place where words are born of silence, A place where the whispers of the heart arise. —Rumi What do you value most? I value connection more than anything. If I connect with people, all of us have a better chance of getting our needs met. The alternative is to try to win or be right. I used to do this with a vengeance. Years ago, I was working with a woman who was learning...
Making Requests Count

Trainer Tip There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And, if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost. —Martha Graham The first three components of the Nonviolent Communication process clarify our observations, feelings,...
Empowering Ourselves Through Our Choices

Trainer Tip The best way out is always through. —Robert Frost Every time we do something because we think we have to, or because we think we should, we are motivating ourselves through guilt and shame. How does it feel to do this? It can feel overwhelming and restricting. Sometimes, it can actually feel like there’s a heavy weight on our chest. Try a new way— discard the words “I have to” and...
Being Persistent About Getting Our Needs Met

Trainer Tip By perseverance the snail reached the ark. —Charles Haddon Spurgeon Do you ever find yourself in an argument that doesn’t seem to have a solution? Consider this couple’s situation. The husband picks up after himself and he likes a neat home; the wife tends to put things down and leave them there. Their arguments usually involve the husband accusing the wife of being lazy and...
When Someone Doesn’t Appreciate Our Honesty

Trainer Tip Honesty is the first chapter of the book of wisdom. —Thomas Jefferson Not everyone will receive your honesty with joy. If they seem unhappy, this is an indication that they have unmet needs, not that you have made them unhappy. Remember that feelings are a result of met or unmet needs; a situation is only the stimulus of feelings, not the cause. When someone doesn’t appreciate your...
Living in the Observation as a Daily Practice

Everything someone does or says is an attempt to meet a need …. Really? The other day, I was in a gathering and I ran into a woman two times. What I mean is, I looked up and she was right there and we were standing so close that I was startled. After an hour at this event, I was pulling out of my parking place. I looked both ways and waited for a car to go by and then pulled out of my parking...
Building A Feelings Vocabulary

Trainer Tip Fortunately, analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist. —Karen Horney Many years ago, I was so disconnected from myself that it was difficult for me to identify or express my feelings. At the time, I worked with a therapist who took the time to teach me a feelings vocabulary. I would tell her what happened, and she...
Looking at Anger from an NVC Perspective

In this vintage 1999 video, Wes Taylor leads a group of young people in a lively discussion on working with anger. He clarifies that anger is a valid feeling that is a product of "jackal" thinking and points out that anger is never the primary emotion; there is always a more vulnerable feeling underneath anger. When feeling angry, Wes suggests that you ask yourself two simple questions: 1. Is...
Tips for the Road Series Tip 8

In our fast-paced, busy lives it is tempting to practice NVC mostly with the left hemisphere of the brain, thinking through the steps quickly without slowing down to connect more deeply with feelings and needs. If you do self-empathy mainly with the left hemisphere, you will miss an opportunity to integrate the hemispheres of the brain and the valuable information from the neural networks in...
From Awareness to Action

Access this complete 6 session course For many people, attempting to connect with others across differences can feel akin to walking through a minefield. Even one's best attempts may inadvertently trigger an unexpected explosion, especially when dealing with situations such as: Striving to understand someone's culture or behavior when it's vastly different from your own; Getting scared whenever...