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NVC Resources on Values

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Speaking Up Is an Expression of Love

Trainer Tip Tell the truth faster. Have a good life. —Mackenzie Jordan Before I learned Compassionate Communication, I would procrastinate over things. I would think: “Oh, it’s not really that bad. I can get over this.” I’d stew about it for a few days, weeks, or even months. Then I would blow up out of frustration. A blowup meant that I might yell at the other person or simply cut them out of...
The Four D's of Disconnection

The Four D's of Disconnection Inspired by the work of Marshall Rosenberg and Lucy Leu Each of the 4 D's is a tragic expression of an unmet need. CategoryMeaningBehavior/ExampleForm DIAGNOSIS Who is what? Judging, labeling, criticizing "You are lazy and only care about yourself!" You are ____________. DENIAL OF RESPONSIBILITY Who is to blame? Denial of choice, blaming "I have to do what the boss...
Working with a Difficult Counseling Situation

Clinical psychologist, Robert Gonzales, Ph.D., uses an open dialogue with a practitioner to explore effective, compassionate methods to handle a volatile counseling situation, particularly when the physical or emotional wellbeing of the patient is at risk. Mental health practitioners, mediators and conflict resolution professionals alike will find powerful takeaways from this real-world...
We Don’t Need to Fix Other People

Trainer Tip Life is not a problem to be solved but a reality to be experienced. —Søren Kierkegaard When empathizing with someone, we listen for their feelings and needs and don’t try to fix their problem for them. The very process of giving someone space to talk about their issue without our judgment, to be truly understood by us, and to be deeply heard is very healing, enough so that most...
Meeting Our Needs

Trainer Tip In blocking off what hurts us, we think we are walling ourselves off from pain. But in the long run, the wall, which prevents growth, hurts us more than the pain, which if we will only bear it, soon passes over us . . .Walls remain. —Alice Walker Discovering the unmet needs that drive our feelings is only part of the solution. The other part is to understand what it will take to...
Meeting Our Need for Support

Trainer Tip My mind is over-taxed. Brave and courageous as I am, I feel that creeping on of that inevitable thing, a breakdown, if I cannot get some immediate relief. I need somebody to come and get me. —Mary McLeod Bethune We all need to reach out for support sometimes, and we may feel embarrassed to let others know how down in the dumps we are. We may value our image or our need for...
Authenticity

Trainer Tip The first point of courtesy must always be truth. —Ralph Waldo Emerson Is it sometimes hard for you to be honest about who you are? Do you ever censor yourself to meet your needs for acceptance or community? It can be challenging to be the only one on the bus who wants to go to the mountains, when everyone else wants to go to the beach, isn't it! The truth is, if you say that you...
Giraffe Consciousness

Trainer Tip Try not to become a man of success, but rather, try to become a man of value. —Albert Einstein In Compassionate Communication, we use giraffes as our metaphor because they have the largest heart of all land mammals (40 pounds!). They remind us to connect from the heart. They also have long necks, a metaphor for seeing far down the road. So when we say or do something, it is...
Liberating Ourselves from Our “Shoulds”

Trainer Tip I think there is choice possible to us at any moment, as long as we live . . . There is a choice, and the rest falls away. —Muriel Rukeysere Do you have a long list of things you should do, or that you have to do? Do you ever catch yourself saying, “I have to go to work,” or “I have to go home to let the dog out,” or “I have to go home and make dinner for the family”? Every time you...
Four Ways to Hear Any Message

Trainer Tip "Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love" —Don Miguel Ruiz How do you hear other people? In Nonviolent Communication, we see four possible ways to hear any message: 1. Judging or blaming others: You never think about my needs, or You’re always late. 2. Judging or blaming ourselves: I...