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NVC Resources on Values

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Overcoming Insecurity in Friendships

Trainer Tip "Tell me who admires you and loves you, and I will tell you who you are." —Charles Augustin Sainte-Beauve Do you ever wonder why a person you enjoy spending time with is attracted to you? Do you wonder if he really likes you? Many of us don’t know the impact we have on other people. Sometimes, with close friends and family, it is clear to us why people value having us in their...
Empathy vs. Sympathy

Trainer Tip "Check with your body. It knows almost instantly if the connection is a good one." —Sark When we sympathize, we relate an aspect of someone’s story to ourselves, such as when we say: “Oh, I know just how you feel. Last week he did the same thing to me.” Another example is: “It’s going to be OK. You’ll see. I’ve been through this. Next week you’ll feel much better about it!” When we...
Acknowledging Other People’s Reality

Trainer Tip "Love is the recognition of Oneness, of knowing yourself as other. The Oneness is love." —Eckhart Tolle Can you hold onto your reality while simultaneously acknowledging someone else’s reality? What I mean is, can you have an argument with your partner and speak up for your view of things, while also acknowledging his view? This ability is the ultimate goal. It eliminates right and...
Making A Connection In A Difficult Situation

Trainer Tip The fountain of beauty is the heart, and every generous thought illustrates the walls of your chamber. —Francis Quarles I often hear this question in my work: “What is the single most important thing I can do to defuse a conflict?” My answer is always the same. “Hear the feelings and needs of the people involved.” Whether there is the potential of physical or emotional violence, the...
Sometimes I Can’t Get Past My Judgments

Trainer Tip Adversity introduces a man to himself. —Anonymous Don’t you just want to say “Ugh!” sometimes? “Ugh” comes to mind for me when I intend to connect with someone while my brain works overtime telling me all the reasons why this person is bad or wrong. This recently came up for me when a woman called me to lodge a complaint about an interaction we had. I let her talk for about ten...
Keeping Ourselves Open

Trainer Tip Friend, there’s a window that opens from heart to heart And there are ways of closing it . . . —Rumi One of the swiftest ways to close the heart is critical or judgmental thinking. How open are you when you are judging another person? The goal in peaceful living is to approach our relationships with an open heart. Years ago, I asked another trainer of Nonviolent Communication to...
Stages of Emotional Maturity

Trainer Tip As long as one keeps searching, the answers come. —Joan Baez Many of us begin our personal journey thinking that we are responsible for everyone’s feelings, and strive to keep everyone happy. At this stage, we are afraid of losing ourselves in relationships, and may think we are abused. In the next stage of development, we come to understand that we are not responsible for other...
The Presence Of Hearing Someone Deeply

Trainer Tip The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when the faculties are empty, then the whole being listens. There is then a direct grasp of what is right there before you that can never...
Identify 12 Essential Aspects of Empathy

Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies six Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. (For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 2: Empathy, see Skill #1: Identify the differences between empathy and other responses to difficulty, Skill #2: Identify what prevents you from offering empathy, and Skill #3: Use a diverse vocabulary of feelings and needs.) Empathy is a...
Expressing Big Emotions Compassionately

Trainer Tip Until he extends his circle of compassion to all living things, man will not himself find peace. —Albert Schweitzer Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we become extremely frustrated, angry, or exasperated. It happens to all of us from time to time. The difference for me now is that I express my intense feelings by owning them. This is called screaming in giraffe. In the...