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Noticing What Is Important

Trainer Tip "A caress is better than a career." —Elisabeth Marbury I woke up one day and I realized that I had a lucrative career in higher education. I was paid a good salary and I had attained some freedom and a good reputation. I also had very few friends, was in little contact with my family, and wasn’t in a significant relationship. Most of my life was devoted to my career. Then I began to...
Blurring the Distinction between Public and Private Spheres

Historically, work, education, resources, land, animals, and relationships were intertwined, shattered by capitalism and industrialization. We transitioned from communal self-sufficiency to individualism, industry, and smaller families. To avert extinction and thrive, we need to reconstruct social systems, emphasizing the commons, uniting communities with the land and resources in...
Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation

thinking I wasn’t working enough. After about a year of agonizing over this, I started to come to work because I truly valued and enjoyed it. Now I work longer hours than I ever worked in higher education, I rarely feel tired or overworked, and I’m not preoccupied with wondering if I’m doing enough. Through this process, my motivation has shifted from extrinsic to intrinsic, and I am more...
Parenting Series: The Importance of Self-Empathy

Inbal offers parents and anyone with children in their life a lucid discussion of the important role self-empathy plays in creating healthy, supportive relationships. Are the strategies you're using right now supporting your goals for the relationships you want with your children? In this introduction to the NVC principle of self-empathy, Inbal uses an interactive dialogue and simple...
Liberty and Justice for All?

This past weekend was the 4th of July, Independence Day holiday in the U.S. It is meant to be a celebration of liberty, equality, and opportunity. But instead of celebration I feel deep mourning and pain. The American mythology is that liberty, equality, and opportunity are for everyone. Yet from the formation of this country and to this day it seems, these needs have been for some at the...
Moving From Blame to Self-Responsibility

Often when someone else does something we don’t like, it’s easy to get pulled into blaming the other person. After all, we have all been trained to focus on fault and punishment when needs are not met. What can we do to shift that pattern? Until we actually know that we’re triggered and that we are under the seduction of blame, we will have no room to maneuver. Releasing blame requires moving...
Empathy Doesn’t Mean Agreement

Trainer Tip It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. —Aristotle Sometimes, people tell me that they can’t empathize with someone because they don’t agree with them. An example could be a teenager who tells her parents that they don’t care about her. Or a friend who tells you that you were late, even though you thought you were right on time....
Parenting for Connection

When I was a boy I received a King Kong action figure for my birthday. At that time I really liked King Kong and this gift was very special. While playing with my toy I soon found out that my little brother (around 3 years old) was afraid of my King Kong doll. So like a good big brother I ran around the house scaring him by showing him the doll and by roaring like King Kong. My brother, of...
Tips for the Road Series Tip 13

This Tip for the Road is my answer to the question: What are the most powerful things I can do to build an inspired relationship? I answered the question with romantic relationships in mind; however, I believe the answer below applies to all important relationships. No. 8. Follow Your Dreams and Find Your Purpose Keep doing what you love. Keep inspiring yourself. Keep living into your deepest...
Connection, Connection, Connection

Trainer Tip "I want to connect more than I want to be right and more than I want to win!" —Mary Mackenzie Do you get into “right fights”? You know you’re in one when you’re arguing with somebody in order to be right or because you want to win. In these arguments we are rarely trying to connect. Being right is the name of the game. Why do we do this? For many, it is an attempt to meet needs for...