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How to Ask for Space

those tender spots for you. On the other hand, if you have identified the healing you need to do and it is underway, and the other person knows that, they are likely happy to accommodate requests to be gentle around tender spots until the healing work is complete. Practice Take a moment and reflect on any interaction in which you have asked for space. Look through the needs list and identify...
The Highest Leverage For Effective Meetings

The highest leverage point for effective meetings is mature individuals. By mature, I mean people who can self-manage. By self-manage, I mean people who ask themselves key questions before they open their mouth in a meeting. Questions like: Who is this serving? (Am I trying to look smart or impress somebody? Does this serve only me or does it serve the group?) What need of mine am I meeting by...
It’s All About Please and Thank You

Trainer Tip "We want facts to fit the preconceptions. When they don’t, it is easier to ignore the facts than to change the preconceptions" —Jessamyn West If I told you that every communication is either a please or a thank you, would you believe me? This was an enormous revelation to me. Think about the please behind a neighbor’s words when he says, “What will it take for you to keep your...
Meeting Our Need for Support

Trainer Tip My mind is over-taxed. Brave and courageous as I am, I feel that creeping on of that inevitable thing, a breakdown, if I cannot get some immediate relief. I need somebody to come and get me. —Mary McLeod Bethune We all need to reach out for support sometimes, and we may feel embarrassed to let others know how down in the dumps we are. We may value our image or our need for...
Creating Your Experience

Trainer Tip Somebody’s boring me . . . I think it’s me. —Dylan Thomas Is it sometimes hard for you to be honest about who you are? Do you ever censor yourself to meet your needs for acceptance or community? It can be challenging to be the only one on the bus who wants to go to the mountains, when everyone else wants to go to the beach, isn't it! It is so easy to say, “What a boring speaker.”...
Getting Our Need for Love Met

Trainer Tip Life is the first gift, love is the second, and understanding the third. —Marge Piercy “I just want you to love me.” How many of us have either heard this or said it to someone else? How would it look if your need for love was met? Would someone say the words, “I love you”? Would they buy you flowers weekly, or spend time listening to you talk about your day, or is it a combination...
Letting People Support Us

Trainer Tip "No man can be happy without a friend, nor be sure of his friend till he is unhappy" —Thomas Fuller, M.D. Some time ago I was in a serious car accident. I spent three nights in the Intensive Care Unit. When I got out of the hospital, I needed someone to stay with me for a few weeks because my brain wasn’t working properly and I couldn’t be trusted to make sound decisions. Through...
Connecting with Others

Trainer Tip If God seems far away, who moved? —Unknown Do you sometimes struggle to connect authentically and vulnerably with others? If you find yourself in a relationship that is unsatisfying to you, look at how you participate in it. Is there anything you can do differently? I used to feel very lonely and sad because my relationships weren’t as satisfying as I wanted them to be. When I...
When You Are Being "Talked At"

Has someone ever talked to you to the extent that you're no longer enjoying it, and you now wonder if they even know you're there? Learn ways to bring in emotional understanding, engage more honestly and open-heartedly, and bridge next steps to the type of conversation that engages everyone's needs. Read this article Keywords: practice interrupting request honesty honest expression monologue...
Six Ways to Check If An Allied Intervention Is Welcome

If we are in the dominant group, intervening to prevent violence or an "ouch" is a way to ally with marginalized folks. We can intervene to meet their needs, rather than our own. In other words, we can intervene without putting our experience at center stage. To that end, here are six ways to ask if an intervention is welcome. Read this article Keywords: allyship white savior white centering...